Thursday, August 31, 2006
OHMYFREAKINGGAWD.
help.
my ppr was super bad,i tell you.
u know wat,i dont know wat im doing anymore these days.its like im in a total mess.
and you know the cutting thing,i mean.i ve stopped.but im still so super stressed.mum
says i blow things up too big.but those things are big here.
im just a youngster,what do i know?
hahaha.
okayye.
this is so super fucking retarded.
i dont know what im feeling anymore.and being an sl...
its... weird.
number one. im afraid of leading bg groups sometimes.
number two. im super malu-ish n jittery when i want to be calm and stuff.
number three. i have no self confidence.
AHEM.
i dont think im a good sl.
grace ong is nice larhx.but she scares me a lot.
its like.i ask her what to do when im not sure??i really wish i were more firm
and decisive you know.
its not like i wanna become some biggie student conductor or whatever.
in the first place,do i have the friggin capability to be who i am right now?
i know the purpose of lou leaving me on my own right now is so that i can adapt
and improve my self confidence.
but i d rather sh come help too...
but eim pretty afraid of her too.
see,im such a coward.
the thing other than choir is that.. well,the studies.
i shall tell the whole story.
right from the very start.
okayye.
in term 1.
i was sitting with joy yap,and my studies werent really good.
i didnt really like school any more.
and i NEVER flared up even when i was angry,
almost didnt show my sadness when i was in the dumps,
never showed my disregard or whatsoever.
i was like totally not myself.
not in class.
not the lively,crazy,funny,extroverted,loud me that i really am.
but that me has already almost totally disappeared.
it probably only resurfaces during tennis.
even in choir it is diminishing gradually.
everytime i felt disconcerted,i bottled it up.
yeah,so that was the freaking wrong way that i did stuff.
ever since primary four,actually.
HA.HA.
OKAYYE.
so ONE FINE DAY,
i was doing my home econs sewing bag thingy,and i couldnt find the black thread.
then my mom scolded me.
as she did almost everytime she could get at me,and BAD.
so this was a really bad scolding.
i couldnt stand it anymore.
it was the firt and is probably the last time i ever or will ever scream at my mom.
we screamed so loud the neighbours could hear us and we wer both surrounded
by four-inch thick walls all around.
yeah.
and so,
for a very long time i had been thinking of cutting myself.
because u read this stuff in the newspapers,mags,whatever,and i got curious.
curious of how it would be like,if i actually slashed myself,
see the blood seep out of that hairline crack,
feel the pain.
only now i cant feel the pain.
but anyways.
yeah.we scream at each other,i slam the door and get super pissed.
you might think ,ohh,typical mother-daughter quarrel.
but well,since i had been the acquiescing,good-natured daughter,
it doesnt occur naturally.
that night,i got so worked up i took the penknife,
put it on my skin,and cut.
yeah.
tried to do it forty times or so,
that amount of slashes.but really shallow ones.
then anyway i hid them with that white pacific wrist band uncle kenneth gave me.
so arnd 2 mths passed.
term 2.
im not sure which term actually.
okay.
so at this point of time im sitting with yanlin.
i brought the penknife to school.
i told her about wat happened.
she wanted to try it too,
i tried to restrict her.
okayye,its all my fault,yea,it is,i know..
but then she also did it,and then at tt time i was trying to stop.
but being the easily will-swayed me,
i restarted the damn thing again.
so we went on like this for as long as we sat tgt,
being crazy and stuff.
then we switched places,but now she sits across the aisle from me.then one freaking day,
like,recently,(although many things happened between that period of time when we were gonna change seats n stuff)
the josephina went and confiscated yanlin's penknifes.
then that damn hong hwee had to tell mr lin wen wei,that
oh-so-hated-by-me-2nd-in-charge-form-teacher,that yanlin cut herself.
so he confiscated her penknifes.
then at the end of the lesson,she went to ask him back for the penknives.
he refused.
he stinks,anyway.he doesnt seem to bother to wash himself properly,
or even bother to add a touch of cologne as any grown,well-groomed,sensible
gentleman would do.hes the opposite,i tell you.
so she started arguing with him,until finally she blurted out,
"jean does it as well,why cant i??!!"
yeah,kae,so my secret was out.
after that she made him promise not to tel;l a single soul.
but the next next day,ms tsk,our form tcher,came to find me.
she pulled me out and pep talked me for i dont know how long.
she was like,
"ç‘žèŽ¹å•Šã€‚ã€‚ä½ çŸ¥é“ä½ æœ‰å¾ˆå¤šçš„æ½œèƒ½å—。。。？"
and she was holding my hand as well.
yes,i know she means well,and shes nice and caring,only shes too insensitive
to notice that she freaks people out with the drama antics of hers.
no offence,its her job to care for us students.
yeah.
then she want ed to speak to yanlin as well.
so i found yanlin,and ms tsk went to pept. her too.
the next day,yanlin n i went to find mr lin.
we asked of he told ms tsk about us.
he said no.
u know wat the freaking hell he did?
he told our pastorial head.
you know the lady with teased highlighted blond cum black n brown cum edge permed hair?
with big big stern eyes and a slightly whiny voice?
and who makes you buy her hairclip and hairband s if she is not satisfied?
the ultimate mrs rosalind soh.
yeah.
shes a really nice teacher.but a bit the uhh.
yeah.
kaes.
but anw.
we were VERY VERY VERY VERY ANGRY WITH MR LIN.
yeah.
i remember screaming like hell.
but anw.
ms tsk wanted me to go counselling.
i almost had to go if not for my birthday.
and she called yanlin non stop just to ask if shes had her dinner.
freakish,aint she.
yeah.
but now its fine.
im not fine yet.
im still in terrible mode.
although i think i hide it better now.
but now.
ohwell.
nocomments.
and after all those messy things,its back to the present.
yeps.
as in.
my ppr is 54.
deproved by 8 marks.
this is unacceptable.
i was holding back my tears the whole morning.
im so irresponsible,im such a horrible girl.
its not my mom who is a failure,its me.
me who has been giving everyone all this trouble.
me who is so insolent and bother-less.
me who is simply such the classic miss idiot.
yes, me,and i feeel its no one elses fault.
i held back my sorrow and disappoint in MYSELF
until miss lee ruo ning talked to me.
i failed my science test.
she said,
"jean,can i talk to you for a while?"
yes.
"jean,do you feel very stressed?"
the waterworks started.
for me.
i cred and cried and cried.
she brought me out and talked to me.
yea,shes really great!!
i feel much more inspired now.
but will i recover from my stupor?
