i ve been thinking again.
mom.
how many hours in a week do i get to see you?
lemmethink.
430 to 6,930 to 11 on mondays and fridays
930 to 11 on tuesdays and thursdays
1 to 11 on weds,sats and suns.
that adds up to:
1h30+1h30+1h30+1h30+1h30+1h30+10h+10h+10h=41 hours
that is
what
just about the span of... slightly less than two days?
omgosh.
i think i should be missing you more.
and next year it ll be even less
i think it ll only be the span of one single day
(excluding the hols.)
yes.
and im growing further and further away from you
i mean it's obviously natural right
and anyway
do you notice at all?
i guess you do
you re starting to complain
anyway
sorry for me being so irritating sometimes
(but thats because sometimes you irritate me too unintentionally)
(but sometimes its just me)
sorry for all the procrastination and roomy untidiness
but
yes you re a really greaat mom
(although i havent been updating you a lot lately)
i hope you understand that i need my space too
you re just so not comp savvy
so
you ll never ever ever read this post unless i leave it here and walk off
but
yeah
<3


frigging shit
i hate you so much
why didnt i listen to shu
ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou
(or maybe a lesser word would be dislike.but yea wells)
you suck
i reallly hope i dont seem bitchy here
but you re horrible horrible
and you re so horrible that i keep hogging on the fact that you re horrible
and at night i think you re horrible
and in the day i think you re horrible
and in tennis i think you re horrible
and in choir i think you re horrible
(DUHH)
OH YOU SURE ARE HORRIBLE
(yes you are)
okayokay i shall shut up about this horrible shitter and move on already
(a big boo to you)


ayyer i shall cont. on the next post
aghh
too many words
too little time
<3







dear y*
i used to really really think you were great
then i hated you
the i thought you were weird
then i thought you were great but with flaws
and now i dont really like you
are you really so ambitious
you ll spare your laughter
your time
your effort
your friends
your true self

just to get what you desire?

i dont know.
to you
it might be so totally worth it
but
why do you try so hard
to be such a goody goody role model
when
presumably you re so fun loving inside
or maybe
i just dont know you well enough and
you re just really true to yourself
with everyone
but
i guess
only you yourself should comprehend the situation by yourself.
<3

ohh elyn!
how the freaking hell are you!
i miss you so fucking much
how the hell
how the helll
how the hellll are you!?
how's everyone over there!?
you ve never been my best friend
but you ve always been my best buddy
hahha
all the sleepovers
and i still remember
that one we had which lasted 5 days and 4 nights and i missed tennis camp
hahahaha
that was all so frigging great
iloveyouguys
hahaha
you re all so fun
miss you all loads
wish i could go back to those interesting times
ahwells
and reminisce is all i can
by the way
i wonder
when is the next sleepover?(:
<3


ym ahh
little miss falalachong
YOU BLUR QUEEN
ahhahhaaa
i know you re a really really great friend
but sometimes
(yes,sometimes)
(YES,SOME-TIMES)
you.really.piss.me.off.
HAHAHAHAHA
(because of your blurness)
i know im blur too
(but at least im not as blur as youu)
hahaha
mom says i ve improved
so
you gotta be more attentive too dear!
thankyou!
you rock
<3





oh zhiing!
i love zhiing!
shes so cute!
shes so funny!
ahhahhaa
dear zhiing
dont worry so much
(i ll be your backup)
(and shu and joce and everyone alse)
i know i worry a lot too
but i think you worry more than me at times
and you ve always been great great great
and yep talks with you have always made me think so much.
poor you
you and your m*** problem
you and your cr*** problem
you and your many many worries and anxieties and self-made-up possessiveness
my dear friend
i really hope you have the ample strength
to(altho its really really hard)
let go
let go of the pain
let go of the worries
let go of the sadness
you know you think you dont know
but
you ve got your instincts
and even if you dont know
you could always follow that squeezy little path laid out for you by fate
even if you couldnt find it
you could still move along
just to make it through
ahh
im talking a bit of crapp here
but just to sae
dear zhiings!
i know i probably cant help you in any way except mentally
but i just hope you ll make it through safely!
and your friend* too
we ll always be there for you no matter what!
loveyoulotsnlots<3




brian
i know you wont ever read this but
i hope you understand that i cant always tell you everything
because you re younger
you re my bro
you wont understand
you ll feel weird
i really wish you were older
then you could comprehend how i feel
sorry i did what i did although you dont know anything
sorry for all the nasty things i did (although you forgave me)
sorry for being such an ass sometimes
because you rock
dear bro
i wish i could think of you as you once were
but now im too ...
too stupid to understand as well
and when i think of what happened
what i read what i wasnt supposed to(ever)
i feel like
like slapping you
like killing you
like hugging you
like shaking you and making you see
SEE what is happening
like how you probably dont know now
why were you so gullible
i hate you for it
and yet you re too good for me to
you re one of the people that has changed my life tremendously
you ll always be brian
.<3



shu
im sorry if i ever looked like im proud or anything ever since my post was elected up
but
you re really a great friend
you ve stayed with me through everything
you ve supported me
you ve consoled me
you ve done every possible thing a great friend could ever have done
you ve stuck with me
even if we didnt talk or whatever
like the time i was with j*
you told me it wasnt right to go with her
she wasnt good at all
i wish i d have believed you
even if i dont tell you everything now
even if i look like im being dao
but
i really respect you yeah
i dont think you ever knew that
i dont know how to put it
but anyways
you rea really really great
love you lots!
<3


shinny dear
you ve been a really
really really really really really
great junior
and friend
and everything
someone said you were sucking up to everyone
but no
you re just great
even if you were i wouldnt care because you rock my socks
hahaha(:
you re so nice
thanks for all the times you stuck up for me
thanks for being so nice
for supporting me
for consoling me
for all those treasured memories you gave me
thanks so much shinns!
you really rock
and continue to
you ll be a senior next year
so
continue to rock!
haha
<3


serene!
youre so sososososososososososososososooo
great!
thank you so much for everything!
for all those encouraging smses
for all those smiles and huggies and messages
for all the support
for all the niceness and responsibility
for all the cheeriness
for all the great advice
for all the countless times you brought me back to myself again.
for everything you did ,
little miss heroine\monitor\president\friend\senior!
hahahah
you really rock yea
i dont think you ll read this but yea
thanks
you ve been so great
love you!<3



hey liuyi.
we ve been in the same primary class for 6 years!
hurray!(and up)
i miss you so much!
thanks for all the great memories and crack ups
thanks for your friendship
thanks for your advice
thanks for your strength
haha
even though i hardly see you
and hardly talk
i know you re a fantastic friend
even though we re in different schools
we re still gonna be friends for life!
(i really hope!)
love<3



dear sven
i hate you.
but you re nice.
but i havent seen you for ages.
but i crushed you.
and i might,still.
so.
but i still hate you.
and i must hate you.
i cant not.
i want to beat you.
but you re not even there for me to beat.
i want to be a friend.
but you re not even there,
and im inconspicuous in your life.
i want to kill you,i want to hate you,
but you didnt seem to do anything wrong.
i want to get over you,
and its only me and nobody else,
and i dont know what to do.
but for the time being i shall hate you,
for that is the best option.
and i dont even know you
but you seem so important.
i ve cried because of you.
i ve had insomnia because of you.
i ve hated brian before because of you.
and yet you ve got nothing to do with it in person.
which is why i hate you but i like you
and you probably have never given a damn about me before
after all
i was just a stupid incapable tennis amateur
and you?
the best
and you ve moved on
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
so i ll hate you
i guess.


dear j*
you stupid fucking idiot
you have to go and do this to val.
you think you re so damn fucking good
you made use of me
you scorned me behind my back
you manipulated me
and now you re doing it to her,bitch.
suck up to the impt pple huh
i ll never bring myself to go to such low measures.
it sucks,please.
stop breaking people.
you broke me,
you tore me apart,chewed me up and spat me back out,
and i didnt know it until i became a mere puddle of nothing,juice,whatever.
you suck like the stinkiest most gangrened lowlife in the world.
you re simply horrible.
and im not being a bitch,
im just being honest.



m*,
you rock.
but sometimes,i just dont know how to talk to you
i dont know whether youre a true friend or whether youre actually scorning me,
and i know youre a really great gal,
but i cant trust you fully because of j*.
i really really dont know!
i know i mean i dont know
help
i feel like killing you
yet you understand
but i dont know whose side you are on
and am i nice or amy i just a fucking shitter?
<3>geri
youre one of the greatest ppl i ve ever met
so dont mix with j*
shes horrible
shes sucking up to you seniors
you rock
you ve always been here
youre so strong
youre so dependent
and i respect you for it!
thank you so much.
<3


jasmine dear
i know i used to hate you and you used to hate me
but the funny thing is
you re one of my bestest friends now
even if i dont tell you evrything
even if even if even if anything happens,
you ve been so great
you ve always managed to cheer me up
thank you
thank you for being the craziest happiest funnest nicest falalachua in the world
hahaha
so yea
<3





Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
scary day trail
ahahahah
woopsy



aHwells
wheee
dunno
haix
it seems that my freaking ectopic problem starts up everytime
i get really worried or stressed.
hahaha how interesting.



yay.
next monday is scary day trail!
im gonna scare the wits out of youuuu
muahahahahaa
haha kinda childish though :D
so many things to doo!
whee and subject combi just popped up..
haha was fine actually
but i got a big shock cos i checked beforehand then
it was too early so i got the wrong one
dunno la sometimes school webby crops up?!!!
haix.
then i thought i had only chem and i was gonna appeal and it was so scary okay
hahahaha then ytd night i rechecked and how dumb it was like bio chem!
ayyer that really freaked me out.
& tmr we re going out to find materials yippee.
haaa.
haixes i miss choralex lots.
we re gonna hv an outing soon but the date is super tentative...
ohwells!
and im seriously gonna miss 2grace 06.
hahaha evryone was great!
hahaha
even through all the bad reputations and cutting incidents and cliquey problems and tears,
we pulled through as a whole!
or maybee.
i dunno.hahaha.
ll miss e falalas too!
jasmine for your lffter and funniness!might be in same class next year tho..
ym for your blurness and niceness!
yanlin for your craziness and funness!
beat for your jin craze and your responsibility!
jolene for your rockiness!
jinglebell* for your ahma ness!
hahaha
n blahhs lol
yup.
and.
ohwells!
i miss val!and rachel and rachel and rachel!and jaz!and well,everyone for the charisma!
aiyyers.
so nostalgic.
haix.
i think i shall end here!
and i miss elyn too!
and liuyi and lynn..
haix.
all nicenice ppl.
ohwells!
one day i ll be missing geri and cheryl and all those great sec3seniors..
not to mention the past sec fours..
and jeantoh,away in canada?
muagh.
sobs.*
hmm.
and actually one day i might miss those funny sec1s!jingyi n all..
and even those my age..
and emma,when i no longer see her.
and grandma,after she passes away.
but touchwood.
i love her.
i love everyone!hahahaha!
waar!
but one day it ll all disappear anws.
and this started out kinda happie and its turning out pretty sad.
argh THIS IS SO LAME.
tres soppy.
haix.
ayyer i end off la.
continue via the next post.
^ ^"
you know.
i ve been thinking.
it all seems to hurt a lot.
i realise,
i ve been so immature all this time
what was the point
of being so depressed as to cut myself?
caused my studies to deprove because of my pessimism?
...
i look back at all this,
only to LAUGH AT IT.

and i just noticed,
too,
that my
"talking-to-big-crowds-phobia"
has almost completely disappeared.

being an sl helped,did it.

i guess.

that's one obstacle overcome already.

but i thought so much,yesterday,that i started crying like shit.
...
and you know what?
i finshed writing in my diary.
as in i wrote to the very last page.
my diary of 6 years
my so-called companion
the book that listed my weals and woes,
sorrows and elatedness,
..
it's OVER.
im fourteen,
im no longer a thirteen-er.
zhing says,
"relationships to hold on to;relationships to tiring to;"

but
i guess,
even if you do say that,even if you want to let go,
it's only the words that escape your lips,
but the actions and the thoughts,they still dwell.
it's really hard to put away the life you ve been living for so long
and accept your change.
&
i felt so awkward ytd.it was almost as though i was doing someone else' chores and job and hw.
i feel like
the pain is..just

PULLING YET PUSHING BUT TUGGING AND SNAPPING AT MY HEARTSTRINGS

but thus unable to control the emotion.
is this,then,me,the coined term of an 'emotional wreck'?
and its so confusing
i know i have to change but.. its hard!

i must be resilient when once i would have cowered at the sight of it
next year,for me:
1.theory exam
2.gr. 8 practical exam
3.o levels chinese
4.syf
5.more tennis
6.probation
7.my studies and more hw
8.peer pressure?

IT'S SCARY TO EVEN GLANCE AT IT.

if this year wasnt as bad as it will be next year,
and i cut myself earlier in the year,
and next year is much worse,
I WONDER.
if im not in the right state of mind again,what atrocity might i commit yet again?
im so afraid.
but even as it is,it's hard to say.
because i might have matured more by then,and my cutting incident occurred when i was
not very clear about anything.
but i hope it never happens again..

but I MUST,
I WILL,
I HAVE to be strong
resilient
understanding
open-minded
make sacrifices
for there is no meaning in life if you
do not dare to try;
do not dare to stand out;
do not dare to love thus.



still around the corner there may wait,

a new road...
or a secret gate.

cat&fish #
zhiings #
dear brian #
shinnies #
yanlin #
liuyi #
alicia #
joanna#
char #
jingyi #
maria #
2 grace 06 #
yinmin #
kaixin #
annboo #
rachelseet #
xishi #
thalia #
kally #
the blue-badged cookies #
serene #
tristyn #
cheryl #
cinch#
uncleeunice #
lijie #
the mirror #
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