hello miss,& romeo,juliet and i, we'll hold on.

convivial ongoing sedulity!

2007-09-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

im so super happy these days(:
i think im convinced now,
that i am entirely focused on australia!(:

im studying really quite hard now,
ss was just slightly less than a breeze,
i think i ll either pass fine or just fail.
english was obviously great.
but im super scared for hcl i think im going to fail/:

but im still very happy(:
ilovebeingalive,almostalwaysnow.

i cant wait for oneyearmore!

then i ll be over somewhere else,
doing the things i really really want to do,
with huei!

superconvivial!<3

ilovehuei alotalot.

Lately I'm alright
And lately I'm not scared
I've figured out
That what you do to me feels like
I'm floating on air
I don't need to know right now
All I know is I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave

Say anything, but say what you mean'cause
I'm caught in suspension

Now,I'm wanting this for sure
And I'll beg for nothing more
I'll plan all day and drive all night
You'll love what's in store
I can't seem to stop this now
Even if it's not so clear
And I'll take what I can get
If you want me here
Say anything, but say what you mean.
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same
We are gaining speed
I can barely breathe
'cause I'm caught in suspension

It's enough for me to get excited
It's enough for me to feel...woah

Say anything, but say what you mean
When you whisper you want this
Your eyes tell the same

<3

moving

2007-04-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

hello
im moving to
http://triflestotriggers.blogspot.com/

yep

but i ll still use this blog sometimes too
although i havent been updating a frikkin single thing
yep

lotsahearts,
jean

2007-03-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

i havent updated this thing for some shit long time
im tired
just
tired
had really morbid dreams
i dont know
im really confused
im not depressed im not angry
im confused
i dont want to go to school and face this
its so tiring
i ve got everyone with me
but
im tired of always being the one
putting in all that effort to keep us going
im tired you know
what am i supposed to do then
let go?
how

2007-02-02T07:16:00.000-08:00

Your EQ is 140

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

You Are 50% Borderline

You have some symptoms of borderline personality disorder.
If you feel like you're more than a little dramatic, you may want to investigate further.

Do You Have a Borderline Personality?

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.
You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.

The purpose of your life: showing love to other people

Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah

Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

Your Birthdate: August 15

You take life as it is, and you find happiness in a variety of things.
You tend to be close to family and friends. But it's hard to get into your inner circle.
Making the little things wonderful is important to you, and you probably have an inviting home.
You seek harmony with others, but occasionally you have a very stubborn streak.

Your strength: Your intense optimism

Your weakness: You shy away from exploring your talents

Your power color: Jade

Your power symbol: Flower

Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

What Your Dreams Mean...

Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious.

You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep.

Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities.

You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

What Do Your Dreams Mean?

Your Life Path Number is 8

Your purpose in life is to help others succeed

You are both a natural leader and a natural success. You are also a great judge of character.
You have a head for business and finance. You know how to make money.
A great visionary, you can see gold where other people see nothing.

In love, you are very generous - with gifts, time, and guidance.

You love to inspire people, but it can be frustrating when they don't understand your vision.
Great success comes easily for you. But so does great failure, as you are very reckless.
You are confident, and sometimes this confidence borders on arrogance.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

You Are 71% Grown Up, 29% Kid

Congratulations, you are definitely quite emotionally mature.
Although you have your moments of moodiness, you're usually stable and level headed.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

2007-01-20T05:18:00.000-08:00

look down
i tell myself to look down
look down
look through all the masquerades and illusions
look through the lies and fabrications
and find myself looking at an abyss of black
an abyss
where all my dreams float away into nothingness
where im neglected
everything is lost
im forgotten
nobody cares
nobody remembers
im just a figment of the past
im afraid
afraid that will happen
that the rope im holding on so tightly to
will just break
break
and i fall into the dark
and i forget myself
and i fail
and i cry but no tears will come
and i smile but no happiness exists
and i cry but there is no sadness

im afraid;
im holding on so hard now
im tugging my heart out
im praying that
i wont fall apart again,

i dont know what to do
i dont know what im doing
tell me its okay
tell me im being stupid
paranoid
its not enough

tears again.

when will this stop

when will my rope be mended again

when will i be hauled back up

when will i wake up;

?

tears and stabs

2007-01-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

tell me,do i do anything or do i wait here.

what is happening,

why is everything in this area becoming so fucking shitty?

tears and tears and tears the whole week

me and romeo and juliet

cried cried cried

talked

shared tears

cried to sleep almost every single day

i hate it

why must you do this

im sick of it

i dont want to face it anymore

because its too unbearable

was sick this week

vomited fourtimes,had diarrhoea twice,
gastric too,bad headaches,food poisoning,fever and dizziness
all on thursday.

friday was terrible terrible gastric

and i think
poor romeo

noone believes her

just because its not a common fucking thing

they dont care

they give her stares and more stares

and they think shes lying

and all she can do is to bear it.

but even if those people are so ignorant,

im still there too,and our classmates are nice too

worry less.

and juliet

she and her *scotch tape problem

poor her

shes been crying like shit all week

i hope sp* freaking does something for her

dont cry anymore miss,

we re still there to support you.

and another addition

miss *ahmine ah

i love you

dont cry over that person anymore

and im sure the other bitch wont do anything to you anymore

because if she does i ll bite her for you and xy

and hopefully she ll be stricken
with the notion of
"once bitten twice shy"
(:

i ve been so depressed this week

everyone cried

i cried too

cried and cried and cried

dont know who the hell to trust anymore

dont know who is real or fake

i dont know

help us please.

rescue me.

2006-12-22T03:40:00.000-08:00

i love you more than you ll ever know

thankyou

iloveyoutopieces

letting go of all i ve held on to

i cant keep up
and i cant back down now in losing
so much time

its too little time

tell me why i have to leave now

i want to waste more time with you

i want to fight with you everyday

i want to say fuck and balls and funny shit with you everyday

i dont want to grow up

i want to stay here

forever

and ever

i d die for you to be happy

i mean it

i d die to spend a million years with you

i miss you so

nothing is right

tell me how to hold on.

2006-12-12T19:05:00.000-08:00

GOSH!
gosh
im back!
back to singapore
from the -12 degrees snowy winter wonderland of hokkaido!
ooh
it snowed reaally heavily there
(lucky my face is fine)
hahhaa
japs are really really clean
and they SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY recycle
so far i have only seen 3 dustbins other than those in the hotel
and they love animals too!
and theyre so polite!
i bought marimo!
(spherical-shaped moss found in the cold depths of lake akan)
(actually not depths,its somewhere near the surface,haa)
theyre really cute
two in one bottle
bought a musical box doll
its limegreen and purple and yellow and black
its really pretty
and theres a lovely tune and the head moves when you turn the musical knob
i love it!
we went to the kitsbe fox village
bought food for the foxes
you can feed em
OMG LA
theyre sooo damn adorable
you know,
like
the fur is so fluffy and thick and
and
it makes em look round and theyre not long and slender
theyve got short legs and fat bodies
but that well
makes them look all the more cuter
and the fur is,well,
luxurious
both to the eye and to the touch
vvvvv cute!
and their eyesare beautiful
turquoise,green,brown,pale blue,black...
so cute!
although they dont have to feed them because the tourists who visit them
(like me)
buy lotsa food to feed them and thats how they get the money..
sobs.
and there were the bears too
they used to kill people
mountain bears
grawrrrrr
big black ones
but cute too!
cos when we fed them cookies
they stood on their hindlegs and wiggled their fingers at us,
indicating that they desired more of the crunchy bear delicacy.
hee
i like chimness.
and their movements are really slow though.
hahaha
theyre kept in sunken cages on the mountainside
and next to them were some racoon cages
big raccoons
but really cute too
and we fed swans too
hahahaa
at lake akan
and and the snow there is knee-deep!
and after you stand in it,
when you go to a warm place,
your jeans ll be all cold and wet
ahhahahahaaaa
and it was really really cold
but after two days everyone got used to it
like,seasoned?
really
we didnt feel so cold anymore
cos the first day in tokyo it was 6 degrees and we were freezing
but it was minus twelve degrees two days later and we were okay
okayso yeah
and the japanese food there is terrific
so good that those in singapore literally have no standard at all
singapore jap food is mixed with a singaporean flavour
jap food is jap food
and delicious
yeah
i watched three movies on the planes
the devil wears prada,monster house and the illusionist
all rock
but the other flight which wasnt mine,it had
step up,pirates of the carribean:dead mans chest,tokyo drift and edwardscissorhands!
shit
but nvm
and anw
theres lots more stuff to talk abt but im pretty busy unpacking stuff now
soyeah
gtg!
bb

juststufftoconfess

2006-11-27T03:43:00.000-08:00

i ve been thinking again.
mom.
how many hours in a week do i get to see you?
lemmethink.
430 to 6,930 to 11 on mondays and fridays
930 to 11 on tuesdays and thursdays
1 to 11 on weds,sats and suns.
that adds up to:
1h30+1h30+1h30+1h30+1h30+1h30+10h+10h+10h=41 hours
that is
what
just about the span of... slightly less than two days?
omgosh.
i think i should be missing you more.
and next year it ll be even less
i think it ll only be the span of one single day
(excluding the hols.)
yes.
and im growing further and further away from you
i mean it's obviously natural right
and anyway
do you notice at all?
i guess you do
you re starting to complain
anyway
sorry for me being so irritating sometimes
(but thats because sometimes you irritate me too unintentionally)
(but sometimes its just me)
sorry for all the procrastination and roomy untidiness
but
yes you re a really greaat mom
(although i havent been updating you a lot lately)
i hope you understand that i need my space too
you re just so not comp savvy
so
you ll never ever ever read this post unless i leave it here and walk off
but
yeah
<3

frigging shit
i hate you so much
why didnt i listen to shu
ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou
(or maybe a lesser word would be dislike.but yea wells)
you suck
i reallly hope i dont seem bitchy here
but you re horrible horrible
and you re so horrible that i keep hogging on the fact that you re horrible
and at night i think you re horrible
and in the day i think you re horrible
and in tennis i think you re horrible
and in choir i think you re horrible
(DUHH)
OH YOU SURE ARE HORRIBLE
(yes you are)
okayokay i shall shut up about this horrible shitter and move on already
(a big boo to you)

ayyer i shall cont. on the next post
aghh
too many words
too little time
<3

dedications<3(continued)

2006-11-25T07:51:00.000-08:00

dear y*
i used to really really think you were great
then i hated you
the i thought you were weird
then i thought you were great but with flaws
and now i dont really like you
are you really so ambitious
you ll spare your laughter
your time
your effort
your friends
your true self

just to get what you desire?

i dont know.
to you
it might be so totally worth it
but
why do you try so hard
to be such a goody goody role model
when
presumably you re so fun loving inside
or maybe
i just dont know you well enough and
you re just really true to yourself
with everyone
but
i guess
only you yourself should comprehend the situation by yourself.
<3

ohh elyn!
how the freaking hell are you!
i miss you so fucking much
how the hell
how the helll
how the hellll are you!?
how's everyone over there!?
you ve never been my best friend
but you ve always been my best buddy
hahha
all the sleepovers
and i still remember
that one we had which lasted 5 days and 4 nights and i missed tennis camp
hahahaha
that was all so frigging great
iloveyouguys
hahaha
you re all so fun
miss you all loads
wish i could go back to those interesting times
ahwells
and reminisce is all i can
by the way
i wonder
when is the next sleepover?(:
<3

ym ahh
little miss falalachong
YOU BLUR QUEEN
ahhahhaaa
i know you re a really really great friend
but sometimes
(yes,sometimes)
(YES,SOME-TIMES)
you.really.piss.me.off.
HAHAHAHAHA
(because of your blurness)
i know im blur too
(but at least im not as blur as youu)
hahaha
mom says i ve improved
so
you gotta be more attentive too dear!
thankyou!
you rock
<3

dedications<3

2006-11-23T04:38:00.000-08:00

oh zhiing!
i love zhiing!
shes so cute!
shes so funny!
ahhahhaa
dear zhiing
dont worry so much
(i ll be your backup)
(and shu and joce and everyone alse)
i know i worry a lot too
but i think you worry more than me at times
and you ve always been great great great
and yep talks with you have always made me think so much.
poor you
you and your m*** problem
you and your cr*** problem
you and your many many worries and anxieties and self-made-up possessiveness
my dear friend
i really hope you have the ample strength
to(altho its really really hard)
let go
let go of the pain
let go of the worries
let go of the sadness
you know you think you dont know
but
you ve got your instincts
and even if you dont know
you could always follow that squeezy little path laid out for you by fate
even if you couldnt find it
you could still move along
just to make it through
ahh
im talking a bit of crapp here
but just to sae
dear zhiings!
i know i probably cant help you in any way except mentally
but i just hope you ll make it through safely!
and your friend* too
we ll always be there for you no matter what!
loveyoulotsnlots<3

brian
i know you wont ever read this but
i hope you understand that i cant always tell you everything
because you re younger
you re my bro
you wont understand
you ll feel weird
i really wish you were older
then you could comprehend how i feel
sorry i did what i did although you dont know anything
sorry for all the nasty things i did (although you forgave me)
sorry for being such an ass sometimes
because you rock
dear bro
i wish i could think of you as you once were
but now im too ...
too stupid to understand as well
and when i think of what happened
what i read what i wasnt supposed to(ever)
i feel like
like slapping you
like killing you
like hugging you
like shaking you and making you see
SEE what is happening
like how you probably dont know now
why were you so gullible
i hate you for it
and yet you re too good for me to
you re one of the people that has changed my life tremendously
you ll always be brian
.<3

shu
im sorry if i ever looked like im proud or anything ever since my post was elected up
but
you re really a great friend
you ve stayed with me through everything
you ve supported me
you ve consoled me
you ve done every possible thing a great friend could ever have done
you ve stuck with me
even if we didnt talk or whatever
like the time i was with j*
you told me it wasnt right to go with her
she wasnt good at all
i wish i d have believed you
even if i dont tell you everything now
even if i look like im being dao
but
i really respect you yeah
i dont think you ever knew that
i dont know how to put it
but anyways
you rea really really great
love you lots!
<3

shinny dear
you ve been a really
really really really really really
great junior
and friend
and everything
someone said you were sucking up to everyone
but no
you re just great
even if you were i wouldnt care because you rock my socks
hahaha(:
you re so nice
thanks for all the times you stuck up for me
thanks for being so nice
for supporting me
for consoling me
for all those treasured memories you gave me
thanks so much shinns!
you really rock
and continue to
you ll be a senior next year
so
continue to rock!
haha
<3

serene!
youre so sososososososososososososososooo
great!
thank you so much for everything!
for all those encouraging smses
for all those smiles and huggies and messages
for all the support
for all the niceness and responsibility
for all the cheeriness
for all the great advice
for all the countless times you brought me back to myself again.
for everything you did ,
little miss heroine\monitor\president\friend\senior!
hahahah
you really rock yea
i dont think you ll read this but yea
thanks
you ve been so great
love you!<3

hey liuyi.
we ve been in the same primary class for 6 years!
hurray!(and up)
i miss you so much!
thanks for all the great memories and crack ups
thanks for your friendship
thanks for your advice
thanks for your strength
haha
even though i hardly see you
and hardly talk
i know you re a fantastic friend
even though we re in different schools
we re still gonna be friends for life!
(i really hope!)
love<3

dear sven
i hate you.
but you re nice.
but i havent seen you for ages.
but i crushed you.
and i might,still.
so.
but i still hate you.
and i must hate you.
i cant not.
i want to beat you.
but you re not even there for me to beat.
i want to be a friend.
but you re not even there,
and im inconspicuous in your life.
i want to kill you,i want to hate you,
but you didnt seem to do anything wrong.
i want to get over you,
and its only me and nobody else,
and i dont know what to do.
but for the time being i shall hate you,
for that is the best option.
and i dont even know you
but you seem so important.
i ve cried because of you.
i ve had insomnia because of you.
i ve hated brian before because of you.
and yet you ve got nothing to do with it in person.
which is why i hate you but i like you
and you probably have never given a damn about me before
after all
i was just a stupid incapable tennis amateur
and you?
the best
and you ve moved on
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
so i ll hate you
i guess.

dear j*
you stupid fucking idiot
you have to go and do this to val.
you think you re so damn fucking good
you made use of me
you scorned me behind my back
you manipulated me
and now you re doing it to her,bitch.
suck up to the impt pple huh
i ll never bring myself to go to such low measures.
it sucks,please.
stop breaking people.
you broke me,
you tore me apart,chewed me up and spat me back out,
and i didnt know it until i became a mere puddle of nothing,juice,whatever.
you suck like the stinkiest most gangrened lowlife in the world.
you re simply horrible.
and im not being a bitch,
im just being honest.

m*,
you rock.
but sometimes,i just dont know how to talk to you
i dont know whether youre a true friend or whether youre actually scorning me,
and i know youre a really great gal,
but i cant trust you fully because of j*.
i really really dont know!
i know i mean i dont know
help
i feel like killing you
yet you understand
but i dont know whose side you are on
and am i nice or amy i just a fucking shitter?
<3>geri
youre one of the greatest ppl i ve ever met
so dont mix with j*
shes horrible
shes sucking up to you seniors
you rock
you ve always been here
youre so strong
youre so dependent
and i respect you for it!
thank you so much.
<3

jasmine dear
i know i used to hate you and you used to hate me
but the funny thing is
you re one of my bestest friends now
even if i dont tell you evrything
even if even if even if anything happens,
you ve been so great
you ve always managed to cheer me up
thank you
thank you for being the craziest happiest funnest nicest falalachua in the world
hahaha
so yea
<3

amor fati.love your fate.

2006-11-22T21:04:00.000-08:00

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

ahh!

2006-11-14T07:11:00.000-08:00

scary day trail
ahahahah
woopsy

aHwells
wheee
dunno
haix
it seems that my freaking ectopic problem starts up everytime
i get really worried or stressed.
hahaha how interesting.

yay.
next monday is scary day trail!
im gonna scare the wits out of youuuu
muahahahahaa
haha kinda childish though :D
so many things to doo!
whee and subject combi just popped up..
haha was fine actually
but i got a big shock cos i checked beforehand then
it was too early so i got the wrong one
dunno la sometimes school webby crops up?!!!
haix.
then i thought i had only chem and i was gonna appeal and it was so scary okay
hahahaha then ytd night i rechecked and how dumb it was like bio chem!
ayyer that really freaked me out.
& tmr we re going out to find materials yippee.
haaa.
haixes i miss choralex lots.
we re gonna hv an outing soon but the date is super tentative...
ohwells!
and im seriously gonna miss 2grace 06.
hahaha evryone was great!
hahaha
even through all the bad reputations and cutting incidents and cliquey problems and tears,
we pulled through as a whole!
or maybee.
i dunno.hahaha.
ll miss e falalas too!
jasmine for your lffter and funniness!might be in same class next year tho..
ym for your blurness and niceness!
yanlin for your craziness and funness!
beat for your jin craze and your responsibility!
jolene for your rockiness!
jinglebell* for your ahma ness!
hahaha
n blahhs lol
yup.
and.
ohwells!
i miss val!and rachel and rachel and rachel!and jaz!and well,everyone for the charisma!
aiyyers.
so nostalgic.
haix.
i think i shall end here!
and i miss elyn too!
and liuyi and lynn..
haix.
all nicenice ppl.
ohwells!
one day i ll be missing geri and cheryl and all those great sec3seniors..
not to mention the past sec fours..
and jeantoh,away in canada?
muagh.
sobs.*
hmm.
and actually one day i might miss those funny sec1s!jingyi n all..
and even those my age..
and emma,when i no longer see her.
and grandma,after she passes away.
but touchwood.
i love her.
i love everyone!hahahaha!
waar!
but one day it ll all disappear anws.
and this started out kinda happie and its turning out pretty sad.
argh THIS IS SO LAME.
tres soppy.
haix.
ayyer i end off la.
continue via the next post.
^ ^"

thoughts

2006-11-02T18:38:00.001-08:00

you know.
i ve been thinking.
it all seems to hurt a lot.
i realise,
i ve been so immature all this time
what was the point
of being so depressed as to cut myself?
caused my studies to deprove because of my pessimism?
...
i look back at all this,
only to LAUGH AT IT.

and i just noticed,
too,
that my
"talking-to-big-crowds-phobia"
has almost completely disappeared.

being an sl helped,did it.

i guess.

that's one obstacle overcome already.

but i thought so much,yesterday,that i started crying like shit.
...
and you know what?
i finshed writing in my diary.
as in i wrote to the very last page.
my diary of 6 years
my so-called companion
the book that listed my weals and woes,
sorrows and elatedness,
..
it's OVER.
im fourteen,
im no longer a thirteen-er.
zhing says,
"relationships to hold on to;relationships to tiring to;"

but
i guess,
even if you do say that,even if you want to let go,
it's only the words that escape your lips,
but the actions and the thoughts,they still dwell.
it's really hard to put away the life you ve been living for so long
and accept your change.
&
i felt so awkward ytd.it was almost as though i was doing someone else' chores and job and hw.
i feel like
the pain is..just

PULLING YET PUSHING BUT TUGGING AND SNAPPING AT MY HEARTSTRINGS

but thus unable to control the emotion.
is this,then,me,the coined term of an 'emotional wreck'?
and its so confusing
i know i have to change but.. its hard!

i must be resilient when once i would have cowered at the sight of it
next year,for me:
1.theory exam
2.gr. 8 practical exam
3.o levels chinese
4.syf
5.more tennis
6.probation
7.my studies and more hw
8.peer pressure?

IT'S SCARY TO EVEN GLANCE AT IT.

if this year wasnt as bad as it will be next year,
and i cut myself earlier in the year,
and next year is much worse,
I WONDER.
if im not in the right state of mind again,what atrocity might i commit yet again?
im so afraid.
but even as it is,it's hard to say.
because i might have matured more by then,and my cutting incident occurred when i was
not very clear about anything.
but i hope it never happens again..

but I MUST,
I WILL,
I HAVE to be strong
resilient
understanding
open-minded
make sacrifices
for there is no meaning in life if you
do not dare to try;
do not dare to stand out;
do not dare to love thus.

still around the corner there may wait,

a new road...
or a secret gate.

2006-10-09T06:08:00.000-07:00

*Things You Never Wanted to Know About Me But Will Now*
What time is it right now?:	8.42pm
What is your current mood?:	sian
What is your first name?:	jean
What is your middle name?:	rui ying
What color is your hair right now?:	dark brown
What is your natural hair color?:	dark brown
What hairstyle do you have right now?:	pretty short..but i hate it.
How tall are you?:	1.65m
How much do you weigh?:	53kg
Do you have a birthmark?:	nope.
Freckles?:	nope.
Scars?:	a few.
How did you get your scars?:	erps.by cutting myself on stuff?
What color are your eyes?:	dark hazel
Do you wear glasses or contacts?:	frameless glasses
If you could change anything about your body, what would it be?:	my legs..
If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?:	my anxiousness
If you could change anything about your life, what would it be?:	to have brian as my REAL brother.
What are you adamant about?:	?
When do you feel beautiful?:	er,hmm.
What/who do you cherish?:	brian.emma.liuyi.falala family.my family.snowy.
What are you determined to do?:	BEAT SVEN IN TENNIS.
What/who do you enjoy most?:	music,drawing,tennis,choir,pool.
What/who would you fight for?:	tennis,brian.
What/who would you give your life for?:	brian,sven.
Where is your heart?:	brian,...........sven?
What area are you most intelligent about?:	my art.ppl's personalities and my observation skills..
What is one thing you won't joke about?:	nothing.
What/who would you kill for?:	brian.
What makes you mean?:	people who piss me off seriously by being really really snobbish and horrible.
Do you ever pretend to be anything?:	well.sometimes.haha!
What are you curious about?:	how sven is doing now?
What is your:	?
What would you tell everyone, if everyone was listening?:	i love tennis.the people i love in tennis.choir.
Do you care about what others think of you?:	i wish i didnt.
What is your favorite word?:	whalhauwhey?!simi taiji?!!
What is your favorite swear word?:	fuck off.
Where is your favorite travel destination?:	europe!i love cappadocia..
What is the farthest you have traveled?:	africa?europe?
What is your favorite quote?:	i wonder if you ve ever wondered if i ve ever wondered about you.
What is your favorite cologne?:	blue.ralph lauren.
What is your favorite perfume?:	eu de cherie by chanel.
What is your favorite video game?:	maple?
What would you tell the president if you talked to him/her today?:	i love your vice presidents.
What direction is your computer chair facing right now?:	to the comp.like.duhh.
Should drugs be legal? Why?:	no.they suck.
Should prostitution be legal? Why?:	no!it degenerates the status of women!
What country were you born in?:	singapore.
Have you ever ordered anything from an infomercial?:	?
Do you believe in God? Karma? Evil? Evolution?:	maybe.
Are you afraid of germs?:	YES.
Can you spell?:	obviously.if i didnt it would be absolutely farcical.
Do you pronounce Boise as Boy-See or Boy-Zee?:	BOY SEE.
Boise is pronounced Boy-See!:	OH.
Are you rude?:	SOMETIMES.(im the girl kicking the coke machine)
Do you think being rude is hurtful?:	what do you think?
Do you care?:	no.unless a few certain adults are concerned.
Do you have a tattoo? Where? What?:	nopes.
If not, will you ever get one?:	yes.a small one on my ankle.hahha!
Is your room/house messy?:	yup.why not?
Were your parents/grandparents immigrants?:	hm.great grandparents.
Should anyone be able to immigrate anywhere?:	yep.
Who treats you the best?:	brian!
Do you know anyone who is Jewish?:	yes.
Catholic? Buddhist? Muslim? Christian? Mormon?:	not mormon.
Atheist? Agnostic?:	dunno.
Wiccan?:	maybe.
Homosexual?:	yes.
Have they tried to convert you?:	no.
Do you love them any less?:	no.
Can you touch your nose with your tongue?:	if i try hard enough.
What do you/did you want to be when you grow up?:	a child psychologist.a new age singer.a cat specialist.a fashion designer.
Where do we go when we die?:	we go where we go to die.
What do you need to work on most?:	my self control of my anxiousness.
What place do you want to visit most?:	your brain.
If you could meet one person, who would it be?:	sven,liv tyler!
What would you say to them?:	i love you!
What is the best invention ever?:	an ipod nano ver.2!mineminemine.
Can I be Frank with you?:	uhhuh.
What time is it now?:	8.59pm.
Take this survey Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

FREED!

2006-10-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

omgomgomgomg
.
..
...
....
......
....
...
..
.
EXAMS ARE SOO FINALLY OVER!!

freed.

muahahaha.

i was so tired.my mugging included:

1.staying up till 3am to study for 3 days.
2.not eating enough(and therefore:)
3.getting fever and gastric twice(menses went haywire)
4.memorising stuff until i can still rmb now(like.the notes.)
5.panicking.
6.adding oil.
7.yeahh.

and it's all over now..

we ll just have to wait for the results..

ohwells.

and i bought an ipod nano without the knowledge of my parents.
but.my aunt made me write a letter to my mom ytd.
to tell her.
so i did.
im passing it to her later.
oh and ytd morning i finally could playy tennis again!
yippee!!
and i could play comp too on friday..
wahhas!
uncle kenneth decided to switch the usual 8.30am slot for janice to
the United World College one for the tennis beginners..
was there too.
there were three girls there,but hideyaki n hideyuki(brothers)
are coming next week i think..
four girls were:
1. annie
from beijing but acts like a chinese american
16(grade 12)
uwc
english-speaking
2.ning shan
china(same as annie i think)
?
uwc
3.neoshu?
korea(cool!)
?
uwc..

yeah..
so much for that.they were pretty nice lar.
all had an american accent,i suppose they adopted it from their
school..
it rocks tho.
loved tennis ytd!
yay,finally saw emma again,and i finally made friends with
ally(her sis).
it was cos brian hit a ball out into the field of new town sec,
then uncle kenneth got me and ally to go and get it.cos we were the
winning team in that game so we were pretty free after tt,
then like it was so funny,me and my 1.65 frame with ally,who was
i think,8 years old and almost half my height.
muahahaa.
then we were like stepping into the school compounds
and there was this security guard there,he was pretty friendly.
haha.
and this other old chinese guy,he discussed with the guard about our prob
cos they thought it was too time wasting or wdv to go n actually
pick up the ball when it was buried in the bushes somewhere
all the way at the other end of the school.
so the guy led us to the general office,and ally was like slurping away at her coke and the whole situation was so friggin comical,because in the end
gave us two tennis balls instead of one,and they were NEW.
hahha,so much for our good luck.
falalaa.
and gwen and reuben came back too..
it wasnt cos they didnt hv rackets,it was cos they were
too busy to come,and in the end anw they still got their rackets.
muahahaha.
and gwen says her bro was ******.
LOL.
HAHAHA so funny.

2006-08-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

OHMYFREAKINGGAWD.
help.
my ppr was super bad,i tell you.
u know wat,i dont know wat im doing anymore these days.its like im in a total mess.
and you know the cutting thing,i mean.i ve stopped.but im still so super stressed.mum
says i blow things up too big.but those things are big here.
im just a youngster,what do i know?
hahaha.
okayye.
this is so super fucking retarded.
i dont know what im feeling anymore.and being an sl...
its... weird.
number one. im afraid of leading bg groups sometimes.
number two. im super malu-ish n jittery when i want to be calm and stuff.
number three. i have no self confidence.
AHEM.
i dont think im a good sl.
grace ong is nice larhx.but she scares me a lot.
its like.i ask her what to do when im not sure??i really wish i were more firm
and decisive you know.
its not like i wanna become some biggie student conductor or whatever.
in the first place,do i have the friggin capability to be who i am right now?
i know the purpose of lou leaving me on my own right now is so that i can adapt
and improve my self confidence.
but i d rather sh come help too...
but eim pretty afraid of her too.
see,im such a coward.
the thing other than choir is that.. well,the studies.
i shall tell the whole story.
right from the very start.

okayye.
in term 1.
i was sitting with joy yap,and my studies werent really good.
i didnt really like school any more.
and i NEVER flared up even when i was angry,
almost didnt show my sadness when i was in the dumps,
never showed my disregard or whatsoever.
i was like totally not myself.
not in class.
not the lively,crazy,funny,extroverted,loud me that i really am.
but that me has already almost totally disappeared.
it probably only resurfaces during tennis.
even in choir it is diminishing gradually.
everytime i felt disconcerted,i bottled it up.
yeah,so that was the freaking wrong way that i did stuff.
ever since primary four,actually.
HA.HA.
OKAYYE.
so ONE FINE DAY,
i was doing my home econs sewing bag thingy,and i couldnt find the black thread.
then my mom scolded me.
as she did almost everytime she could get at me,and BAD.
so this was a really bad scolding.
i couldnt stand it anymore.
it was the firt and is probably the last time i ever or will ever scream at my mom.
we screamed so loud the neighbours could hear us and we wer both surrounded
by four-inch thick walls all around.

yeah.
and so,
for a very long time i had been thinking of cutting myself.
because u read this stuff in the newspapers,mags,whatever,and i got curious.
curious of how it would be like,if i actually slashed myself,
see the blood seep out of that hairline crack,
feel the pain.
only now i cant feel the pain.

but anyways.
yeah.we scream at each other,i slam the door and get super pissed.
you might think ,ohh,typical mother-daughter quarrel.
but well,since i had been the acquiescing,good-natured daughter,
it doesnt occur naturally.
that night,i got so worked up i took the penknife,
put it on my skin,and cut.
yeah.
tried to do it forty times or so,
that amount of slashes.but really shallow ones.
then anyway i hid them with that white pacific wrist band uncle kenneth gave me.

so arnd 2 mths passed.
term 2.
im not sure which term actually.
okay.
so at this point of time im sitting with yanlin.
i brought the penknife to school.
i told her about wat happened.
she wanted to try it too,
i tried to restrict her.
okayye,its all my fault,yea,it is,i know..
but then she also did it,and then at tt time i was trying to stop.
but being the easily will-swayed me,
i restarted the damn thing again.
so we went on like this for as long as we sat tgt,
being crazy and stuff.
then we switched places,but now she sits across the aisle from me.then one freaking day,
like,recently,(although many things happened between that period of time when we were gonna change seats n stuff)
the josephina went and confiscated yanlin's penknifes.
then that damn hong hwee had to tell mr lin wen wei,that
oh-so-hated-by-me-2nd-in-charge-form-teacher,that yanlin cut herself.
so he confiscated her penknifes.
then at the end of the lesson,she went to ask him back for the penknives.
he refused.
he stinks,anyway.he doesnt seem to bother to wash himself properly,
or even bother to add a touch of cologne as any grown,well-groomed,sensible
gentleman would do.hes the opposite,i tell you.
so she started arguing with him,until finally she blurted out,
"jean does it as well,why cant i??!!"
yeah,kae,so my secret was out.
after that she made him promise not to tel;l a single soul.
but the next next day,ms tsk,our form tcher,came to find me.
she pulled me out and pep talked me for i dont know how long.
she was like,
"ç‘žèŽ¹å•Šã€‚ã€‚ä½ çŸ¥é“ä½ æœ‰å¾ˆå¤šçš„æ½œèƒ½å—ã€‚ã€‚ã€‚ï¼Ÿ"
and she was holding my hand as well.
yes,i know she means well,and shes nice and caring,only shes too insensitive
to notice that she freaks people out with the drama antics of hers.
no offence,its her job to care for us students.
yeah.
then she want ed to speak to yanlin as well.
so i found yanlin,and ms tsk went to pept. her too.
the next day,yanlin n i went to find mr lin.
we asked of he told ms tsk about us.
he said no.
u know wat the freaking hell he did?
he told our pastorial head.
you know the lady with teased highlighted blond cum black n brown cum edge permed hair?
with big big stern eyes and a slightly whiny voice?
and who makes you buy her hairclip and hairband s if she is not satisfied?
the ultimate mrs rosalind soh.
yeah.
shes a really nice teacher.but a bit the uhh.
yeah.
kaes.
but anw.
we were VERY VERY VERY VERY ANGRY WITH MR LIN.
yeah.
i remember screaming like hell.
but anw.
ms tsk wanted me to go counselling.
i almost had to go if not for my birthday.
and she called yanlin non stop just to ask if shes had her dinner.
freakish,aint she.
yeah.
but now its fine.

im not fine yet.
im still in terrible mode.
although i think i hide it better now.
but now.
ohwell.
nocomments.

and after all those messy things,its back to the present.
yeps.
as in.
my ppr is 54.
deproved by 8 marks.
this is unacceptable.
i was holding back my tears the whole morning.
im so irresponsible,im such a horrible girl.
its not my mom who is a failure,its me.
me who has been giving everyone all this trouble.
me who is so insolent and bother-less.
me who is simply such the classic miss idiot.
yes, me,and i feeel its no one elses fault.

i held back my sorrow and disappoint in MYSELF
until miss lee ruo ning talked to me.
i failed my science test.
she said,
"jean,can i talk to you for a while?"
yes.
"jean,do you feel very stressed?"
the waterworks started.
for me.
i cred and cried and cried.
she brought me out and talked to me.
yea,shes really great!!
i feel much more inspired now.
but will i recover from my stupor?

some quiz thingg

2006-08-12T23:23:00.000-07:00

*A LiTTLE BiT OF EVERYTHiNG ABOUT ME<3*
THE BASiCS<3
Name:	jean
Nicknames:	jeeeeeeeeeeeeeen,sister,ahmueh
Birthday:	15th august 1992
Gender:	female
Hair:	dark.dark.brown.
Eyes:	dark brown
Height:	1.65m
Zodiac Sign:	leo!!!
Status:	sectional leader
Graduation Year:	???????????
FAVORiTES<3
Movie:	L.O.T.R TRILOGY!! PIRATES OTC!!
TV Show:	??
Book:	TOO MANY TO NAME.
Color:	red,black,lime green!!
Food:	sashimi!! dry ice (><)
Drink(Non-Alcoholic):	YOU CANT BEAT ME IN COKE
Drink(Alcoholic):	wine!!!sangrila!!!liquor!!!woohoo!!
Scent:	MOONFLOWER by body shop
Actor:	johnnydepp
Actress:	livtyler!!!
Sport:	TENNIS!!!CHOIR!!
Cartoon Character:	EMILY'S CATS!!
Store:	CARREFOUR
City:	SUNTEC CITY
Vacation Spot:	EUROPE
Band:	TOO MANY TO NAME
Song:	SUMMER SHUDDER
Football Team:	ITALY
Basketball Team:	?
Baseball Team:	?
NCAA Team:	?
Animal:	CATS
Magazine:	teenage
Candy:	CANDY EMPIRE
Restaurant:	ICHIBAN BOSHI!!
Jewelry:	OPALS N PERIDOTS
Day of the Week:	FRIDAY NIGHT!!
Ice Cream Flavor:	MACADAMIA PLUS GREEN TEA
Number:	9
PEOPLE<3
Your Best Friend:	LIUYI
Your Shoulder to Cry on:	GERI
Do You Have More Girl or Guy Friends:	SOOOOOOOO MANYYYYY
Who do You Consider a Sister:	SHINNY
Who do You Consider a Brother:	BRIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who Knows All Your Secrets:	MYSELF
Do You Have An Enemy:	YES.ONE?
Boyfriend or Girlfriend:	NOPES.
Do You Like Someone:	YES. ...sven.
HAVE YOU EVER<3
Been in a Car Wreck:	yes.
Been Arrested:	almost.
Broken the Law:	abit.
Been Skinny Dipping:	?
Been in Love:	nope.
Smoked:	nope.
Drank:	abit><
Been High:	nope.
Smoked Pot:	nope.
Been Kicked Out of School:	nope.
Skipped School:	nope.
Failed a Class:	yes.
Broken a Bone:	nope.
Shoplifted:	nope.
Tried to Intentionally Hurt Someone:	yes.
Fell Asleep in Class:	nope.
Been in a Fight:	yes.
Been Out of the US:	???????
Had Surgery:	nope.
Spent the Night in the Hospital:	nope.
Snuck Out of Your House:	yes.
Lied to Your Parents:	loads.
Showered at Someone of the Opposite Sex's House:	yes.lots.almost evey saturday.
Saw Someone Die:	nope..
Had a Near-Death Experience:	yes.alot.
Liked Someone Who Didn't Like You Back:	YES.OBVIOUSLY.
Had a Broken Heart:	nope.
Broke Someones Heart:	yes.5 pple.
Cried Over The Opposite Sex:	er.no??!!
Played a Game Requiring the Removal of Clothing:	yes.but i only removed my watch.
Laughed Until You Cried:	yes.
Slept Under The Stars:	nope.
Mooned or Flashed Someone:	nope.
Killed an Animal:	yes.
Prank Called Someone:	LOADS!!XD
Slept in the Same Bed as the Opposite Sex:	YES.with my cousin.when i was 6 years old.
YOUR FiRSTS<3
Boyfriend/Girlfriend:	-
Kiss:	...
Car:	-
Trip Out of Your State:	cant remember
Job:	class monitor.
School:	preschool!!!-bethesda kindergarten.
Slowdance:	?
Trip to a Beach:	soon=) chalet!!!
Celeb Crush:	none.
Best Friend:	mivio,elyn.
Pet:	catfish!! died of overgorging on food.
True Love:	??
LASTS<3
Time You Were Out of Your State:	last year.
Slowdance:	last year.
Movie You Saw at the Theater..(With Who):	last last last last last last last month with shujie.
Person You Talked to on the Phone:	my mom.
Song You Heard:	choir songs.
Broken Heart:	nope.
Thing You Ate:	green sour apple liquid candy oobs toobz
Thing You Drank:	milo
Person You Hugged:	janice
Shower:	just.,
Show You Watched on TV:	singapore idol
Trip to a Mall:	ytd!! suntec city!! candy empire!!
Take%20this%20survey%20

whee

2006-07-31T05:38:00.000-07:00

okay.this is my blog.
jean.
whee!!
haha